a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
