I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
