Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I need moral support for this bender
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
