I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
it's great music for shaving your balls
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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