When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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