Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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