neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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