We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
