The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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