There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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