hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
