Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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