i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
