Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
