I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.