Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.