My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.