i wish my penis had a tongue
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
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We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.