Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
