I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
