I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think my fart just growled at me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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