I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
