I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize