Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
