I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
as a side note pls kill me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
