He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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