The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
