Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
