Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
