while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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