I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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