I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
