wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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