Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
