Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
