i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My bed smells like the plague
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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