This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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