I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
