Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
