If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
