New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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