"it" just moved
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
