mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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