Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
