Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
