We won't sleep together?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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