we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
