3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Four minutes until I can fart!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
