mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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