i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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