the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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