Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
