just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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