You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
two words...techno handjob
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Never underestimate the power of titties
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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