my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
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i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
wow bdsm is so cute
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