So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
