It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
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Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
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HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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